Sunday night, Liz texted Lisa the same message she's sent her every Sunday for the past three years.
Dude, we should try out for the Amazing Race! It would be soooo fun!
And Lisa's thumbs couldn't type fast enough as she responded the same way she has every Sunday for the past three years.
F**kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk Nooooooooooooooo!!!
But ...thank you for giving me an idea for a blog post!
Liz says: Come on, Let's race!
Oh, Amazing Race, How I love thee! And even though my current idea of adventure is staying at a three-star hotel, I think I would love schlepping around the world with nothing but a passport and the three nasty outfits that I shoved into my backpack. I mean, what better way to lose weight than to run through the streets of Dubai in 130 degree heat? Nevermind the fact that I usually start sweating the second the barometer breaks 85 and that I consider a trip to the Bahamas an international vacation.
And even though Lisa and I sometimes spend thirty minutes arguing over sentence structure, I'm sure we'll get along famously! If we survived the bad fashion of the 80's and 90's together, we can surely herd some Japanese tourists and ducks like nobody's business or eat a wasabi bomb in thirty seconds!
While I'm sure Lisa will make a strong case against our Amazing Race union, I'm here to plead my case for an appearance next season.
1. We get to hang out with Phil, who is smokin' hot AND has an accent! I'm sure that we'll look awesome after jogging through the streets of China in our underwear or taking a dip in the crisp, clean waters of Vietnam. And although I can't leave the house without burning my hair into submission for thirty minutes with a flat iron, I think our new au natural look will be a big hit! Isn't it time for frizzy hair and thick eyebrows to make their well-deserved comeback?
2. Free Publicity for Chick Lit is not Dead Admit it, we could really use the exposure. No publicity is bad publicity, right? Plus, it's either this or tying a chair to some mylar balloons and sending my five-year up for a ride. And this way I don't have to break any laws or be ridiculed on CNN. Because, admit it, we all know I'll be edited as "the nice one"! Sorry, Lisa.
3. Endless Blog fodder and Facebook status updates My only concern is that many of Lisa's updates would start with Lisa is ready to kill Liz because...
4. What a great workout! There's nothing like springing through foreign countries in extreme weather conditions to get your ass in shape! Nevermind the fact that we both will become crazy beyotches if we skip lunch or don't drink water every five minutes. I'm sure it will all work out fine! (And make for great TV if it doesn't...)
Lisa says: Are you F'ing kidding me?
For the record, I'd like to state that I'm in love with The Amazing Race. One of my favorite pastimes is sitting back and WATCHING the teams of two nearly kill each other as they try to find a one inch snowman in a twenty five foot pile of snow. From the Newly Datings (oh the poor, innocent things) to the We've been engaged for nine years but aren't sure if we should get marrieds (what an iron clad way to strengthen your relationship!) to the requisite We're freakishly hot and SWEAR we don't have sex couples. (Well, if you weren't having it before, running through the streets of New Dehli aint gonna help the mojo!) I love them all! (The angry/violent hearing impaired guy and his freakishly strong mom were my favorite!)
And even though I also heart Liz and think she's incredibly talented and creative, trying out for The Amazing Race is, hands down, one of the worst ideas she's ever had! (Well, if you don't count her recent decision to mix Tequila and Smirnoff this past weekend.) So, here's my case for why our only "Amazing Race" should be meeting our December book deadline.
1. Um, Phil, is it against the rules for me to strap a GPS to my camel? My idea of following a map is inputting an address into my car's navigational system. I'm quite confident I would have an easier time finding a Starbucks in Bakersfield than I would trying to track the lady in the purple scarf in a busy square in Bangkok. I still have to confirm directions to O'Hare and Liz expects me to try to find a yodeler at the base of the Swiss Alps? WTF?!
2. There's no bottled water in Zimbabwe? Considering my constant dehydration even if the best conditions, I could easily be the first AMAZING RACE contestant to murder her teammate over lack of H2O. So if Liz wants to live to see her 37th birthday, she should probably just continue to lust after her boy Phil from afar. Maybe stalking him off-season would be easier?
3. Do you think I can pop my enzymes before I eat a cricket in Cairo? Um, Liz knows I can barely consume a perfectly made American hamburger without digestive aids. So the fact that she wants me to consider downing a wasabi bomb with a side of scorpion tail is more than upsetting. Constipation +bloating = distended belly, bad TV and, did I mention bad TV?
4. I don't do alliances! I know my people-pleasing friend, Liz will want to team up with the cute guys or help the requisite hillbillies that can barely read the signs in English. (Let alone Japanese!) And all I can say is Hells to the No's. I'm not sharing my ladle, my internet cafe location or my Gas-X with anyone!
xoxo, Liz & Lisa
Before I "shmoved" to Chicago, I lived alone for a really, really, really long time.