Well, it's Bachelorette finale time again. That special day when two people who hardly know each other become engaged after a whirlwind romance consisting of dream dates, fantasy suites and plenty of drama!
And think about it. How can a relationship not work out after you've zip-lined together? Or biked down a cobblestone street in Spain? Or jumped off a chartered yacht while holding hands in Hawaii? These are the activities that build a strong foundation for the future! And nothing says trust like feverishly competing with thirty other men for your woman's affections.
I mean, clearly, ABC wants to make sure these relationships are built to last, right?
Riiiigggghhhht.
But Bachelorette lovers, don't worry. I'm not hatin'. Just like you, I've had a date with my girl Jillian every Monday night at 8pm all summer. I cringed when Tanner inappropriately talked about her feet and when Dave became an Angry Santa and threatened to "beat Juan's ass". I gasped when Sasha was sent home on a city bus (worst walk of shame-EVUH!) and laughed at the irony of a man named ED having E-D issues on national television.
I screamed at the TV as Jillian continued to be blinded by Wes's douchebagness and cheered when Jake tattle-tailed that he had a girlfriend. And because of that act of chivalry, I gave Jake's high-waisted pants and crying-over-the-railing incident a pass. I even participated in some angry tweeting when I discovered Wes was on Twitter! (You can too by clicking here! And you can follow Liz and Lisa by clicking here.)
Wes. As much as I hated to admit it, I found myself relating to Jillian's reluctance to let him go. Admit it. ladies, we've all dated our fair share of guys like Wes. Classic bad boy. The kind of guy makes you crazy, in a throwing rocks at his window, blocked caller ID sort of way.
And while I was excited when she finally kicked him to the curb (I think his rose ceremony outfit may have sealed the deal, wtf?), Liz circa 1989-1998 understood exactly why she had so much trouble letting him go. But the good news for me was that all my douchebag-loving-gone-wrong experiences had not been televised.
Although I must say that would have been Must-See TV!
Like Jillian, I finally kicked my bad boy habit to the curb many years ago and switched to Team Nice Guy.(Thank you, Mike Fenton!) And in honor of her seeing the light, I've composed a list of other men like Wes that my friends and I have encountered over the years. I like to call it...
Douche-o-rama, 90's edition.
THE LEAD SINGER
Ladies, let's face it. A man's ability to sing or play an instrument makes him hot. (How else would Steven Tyler EVER get laid?) In fact, it's probably what sends thousands of average-looking boys to guitar lessons each year. And even though I already knew that Wes was trouble, my heart STILL melted a little when he serenaded Jillian. But the only problem is that he was probably singing "It Don't Take That Long" to a different girl each night. My advice is to put on your earplugs and kick this one to the curb, ASAP!
THE STAR CROSSED LOVER
Yes, I know it seems romantic that your friends and family have told you he's no good for you so you have to sneak around to see him. But you know what's not so romantic? Text stalking. (AKA "pager stalking" in the 1990's. It's amazing how many words you can spell with upside-down numbers!) Maybe it's time to put the "talk" back in "stalking".
THE CRAZY GUY
Ugh. The crazy guy. Why do we always want to "fix" him? It's like picking out some angry dog at the pound that bites you and pees all over your furniture. But the challenge of reforming a crazy guy is always too tempting for some of us. Just think, you could be the ONE he changes his ways for! Not.
THE FRIEND YOU WANT TO BE MORE FRIENDLY WITH
This was my M.O. back in the day. Become friends, start to crush, hook up one drunken night and then proceed to have the most dysfunctional friendship EVUH. Note to self: When your "friend" is asking for your advice on how to get the attention of your friend, HE IS NOT INTERESTED! And going all "fifth grade" on him and writing a seven page love letter confessing your true feelings is not going to help things. Trust me on this one-never leave any evidence of your desperado behavior!
MR. PERFECTO
Dating a guy that owns a beach house, a plane and got a perfect score on his SATs does sound pretty killer. Hmm...except for his video game obssesion, which kinda creeps you out. Oh, and also the fact that he makes you so crazy you threw rocks at his window at 2am when he didn't call you back. And when he finally let you in, you slept on the edge of his bed like a naughty dog. Time to say GAME OVER.
Tell us about your Douch-o-rama!
xoxo, Liz