Mommy Monday: An extra hour a day away keeps the b*tchface away

So far, I'm loving 2011.  I'm ROCKING those damn bangs like nobody's business and Lisa's bundle of joy arrived late last week. (More details from Lisa to come later this month-so all I'll say is that both Mom and baby are healthy and gorgeous!)  The Bears are heading to the playoffs(this makes the hubs happy) and I've already lost those annoying Wii-induced 5 pounds that were giving me the worst muffin top EVEH. And we all know that it's freakin' IMPOSSIBLE to rock jeans with boots when you have muffin top. So how did I lose them so quickly you ask?  Did I finally open up the P90X?  Did I decide to take the stairs?  Did I get swine flu?  Nope.  I lost the weight the old-fashioned way.

Stress.

Don't worry-it's not the things are going terrible and I can't eat stress.  It's more like I'm so busy that I can't breathe or text or eat stress.  I knew 2011 was going to be crazy but it still knocked the wind out of me last week.  I found myself wishing for just one more hour in the day to get things done.  And when I fell into bed Friday night, I began daydreaming about what I would do with that hour.  Oh, the things I would get done! I would be so much nicer!  So relaxed!  Because let's face it: An extra hour a day would keep the bitchface away. You know, that secret bitchface that lives inside all of us?  Don't even try to pretend like you don't have one.

And here it is, so just in case I actually ever get that extra hour-I'll be ready!  Or maybe I'll just play Wii. (Damn you Grandma and Grandpa for buying the kids that time suck!)

If I had an extra hour a day, I would....

1. Get a mani-pedi with extra massage. I'd even finally let them draw that flower on my toenail they're always bugging me about.

2. Pour a huge glass of wine and watch the latest The Millionaire Matchmaker . (Did any of you see the one recently with the PR millionairess that looked like a crayola exploded on her face and the gold digger?  Dude! You. Must. Watch.)

3. Put on super cute workout clothes and pretend I was going to the gym and then find something else to do instead. Because it's the thought that counts, right?

4. Take my new dog to an animal psychic. Because I just have to know why that bitch keeps running away.  She went from a cold animal shelter and horrible mange to belly rubs, treats, walks and two kids that worship the ground she walks on. I don't know how to convey to her that it's not getting any better than this.

5. Tackle my TBR pile. Oh Vey.  Super Mario Brothers has really set me behind on this one. But I have three ARCS that I'm excited to read in the next two weeks- Best Kept Secret by Amy Hatvany(out in July), The Violets of March by Sarah Jio(out April 27th) and Here, Home, Hope by Kaira Rouda(out in May).  Oh, and speaking of ARCS, you're going to LOVE Sarah Pekkanan's Skipping A Beat(due February 22).  I read it one day last month-I laughed, I cried, I loved it. Do yourself a favor and pre-order it.  And Leave a comment here to win an ARC of Sarah Jio's The Violets of March!

6. Read the stack of Entertainment Weeklys sitting on my desk. Because drooling over Jake Gyllenhaal half-naked on the cover is not actually considered reading.

7. Learn how to bake. Because I'm tired of my daughter saying, Oh, Mommy! when I pull lopsided, burnt cookies out of the oven.

8. Shop by myself. I don't care where.  Although for some reason I find Target very relaxing(until I get to the cash register and realized I've spent $200 and bought NOTHING I actually need).

9. Have happy hour with the girls. Because an hour with good friends, a Grey Goose dirty martini and an onion ring stack can make just about any problem melt away.

10. Have a conversation with my hubs that has nothing to do with snot, poop, time out, or Wii. Is that really too much to ask? And if I got an another hour, I might actually kiss him with some tongue.  In fact-let's declare 2011 the year of the married make-out session! All I need is a shot of tequila to help me forget about all the other things I should be doing instead and I'm in!

What would YOU do with your extra hour? Leave a comment and you'll be entered to win an ARC of Sarah Jio's upcoming debut, The Violets of March.  I'll pick the winners on Wednesday night after 6pm PST.  Good luck!

xoxo, Liz

Match me if you Can by Liz

I've always fancied myself a matchmaker. Which is probably why I declared my love for The Millionaire Matchmaker in last week's Watch this, not That and why I am loving Marla Martenson's new memoir DIARY OF A BEVERLY HILLS MATCHMAKER, a hilarious look at her days as a real-life L.A. matchmaker. Want a chance to win your own copy?  Just leave a comment about your own dating experiences and you'll be entered to win! Back in the day,  I'd set singles up with abandon.  In fact, I think I set up one of my guy friends so much that he ended up dating just about every single girl I knew with in a thirty-mile radius. Good for him, bad for my parties. *cue awkward situation*

Truth be told, not one of my matches ever worked out.  My superior sales skills would bring them each to the table, (She's so smart!  He loves his mother!) but it never quite clicked.  Most crashed and burned pretty quickly, with me standing in the middle. And that's the thing- a true matchmaker probably holds the secret how to put two people you care about together without getting involved with the fallout when it fails. Because, let's admit it, most of them do. But when it works out, you get all the glory...

Did I mention that Lisa and her hubby were setup?  They were so happy about it that they even made a special toast to the couple who brought them together at the rehearsal dinner!  And yes, I was secretly jealous.  Because I had also tried my hand at setting her up over the years unsuccessfully.  But considering her matchmaker has at least five marriages under her setup belt, there was no way I could compete.  This woman has a gift. And after fifteen years of trying, I'm willing to publicly admit that I was a sucky setter-upper.

But good or bad, it's always a good story-here are some of my personal faves:

1. Slammed into the back of a hottie driving a BMW on the 405 freeway. (sorry about the bumper!)  Too cute to let him get away but already married, boldly asked him if he was single and gave him Lisa's email address.  Yep, right there on the side of the road. He turned out to be a total douche bag. But still, I think I deserve an A for effort. Right, Lisa?

2. During an impromptu post break-up trip to Las Vegas, pushed Lisa off on a Teva-with-socks wearing Midwesterner at Coyote Ugly in an attempt to make her feel better. Should I even mention the irony when we discovered later that his last name was ROTTEN? Widely considered my rock bottom as matchmaker. Lesson learned: Don't EVUH set someone up while in Vegas. There's a reason what happens in Vegas stays there.

3.One of my BFs said she had a mailman that I just had to meet. I was skeptical but curious.(I had never gone government before!)  But when we accidentally bumped into his hot swing dance partner on our first date, I knew it wasn't a love connection. Let's just say I wish my friend had led with "swing-dancing mailman". It would have saved us all a lot of time.

4. Things were going well with the hot district attorney that my roommate set me up with. Until I made a drunken argument for why, as children, we were allowed to skip but not run on the playground. Because, really, wasn't skipping faster? In my defense, I was one fast-ass skipper in my time.  After that, our case was dismissed.

Tell us your blind date and/or matchmaking story and be entered to win DIARY OF A BEVERLY HILLS MATCHMAKER!

xo, Liz

Watch this, not that by Liz

As much as I love my children, I must admit there's one aspect of my pre-mommy life that I miss so much it hurts sometimes...

Sitting on the couch for hours watching bad TV.

These days I'm lucky if I can keep up with Project Runway (forget about that Models of the Runway show) and usually just have the hubs give me his dramatic reenactment of that week's Amazing Race. (Which, btw, he never quite seems to do it justice...)  My Tivo is constantly erasing my fave shows in favor of Hot Wheels, Battle Force 5 and I've had to re-prioritize my priority manager more times than I care to mention.

So, I had to learn the hard way how to become a more discerning TV watcher. And because I know many of us have the same problem, I'm happy to help ya out a bit by cutting through all the bullshit and letting you know to Watch this, not that!

Watch The Good Wife

There's a reason that EW chose The Good Wife as one of the ten best TV shows on right now. I was originally drawn to this show hoping to get my *Mr. Big* fix but ending up staying because of Julianna Marguiles. It's a story about a woman who stands by her man through a political scandal and finds herself entering the work force after staying home for fifteen years raising her two children.  The storyline is so layered, so well acted, that my stomach does a little flip each week when I see that Tivo has recorded it.  And the best part?  It's got enough criminal procedural stuff going on that your hubby won't feel like he's emasculating himself by watching it with you each week!

Watch The Millionaire Matchmaker

With less time to watch TV these days, I think this is the kind of show I miss most.  The Millionaire Matchmaker kindly runs marathons constantly, just begging you to sit your lazy ass on the couch and watch as Matchmaker Patti cuts through any and all BS. She. Is. Genius. From the way she handles the enormous millionaires' egos or catfights with a drag queen, she is fantastic.  Whether she's telling the real estate developer that cuff links are so 1987 and that his haircut channels that guy from Greatest American Hero or she's telling off an NBA player for mistreating one of her girls, she has the balls to say exactly what we're all thinking.  If you only have time for one guilty pleasure on your Tivo, I highly recommend this!

Not Cougar Town

I really wanted to like Cougar Town.  It sounded right up my alley-alums from Scrubs, Friends and Dawson's Creek (don't judge!) and also featuring the ridiculously hot Josh Hopkins.  Not to mention the fact that, at age thirty-six, I'm *gulp* entering cougar territory myself and was hoping to relate to some of Courtney Cox's antics.  While watching the pilot, I told myself that it was just a fluke that it seemed, um, awkward and forced.  But since I was determined to become a Cougar Town fan, I gave it a few weeks to get it together.  But I then returned to discover that they were STILL trying too hard.  And while it may still have a place in my Tivo, (right next to the twelve episodes of Desperate Housewives I can't bring myself to watch) Cougar Town lost it's place in my heart.

Not Tool Academy

Wanna feel better about your own relationship?  Then Tool Academy may be right up your alley.  It's about women(and a few good men) who, in a last ditch effort to save their relationship, bring their bandana-wearing, fake tanning, cheating significant others to the Tool Academy. After spending thirty minutes with Neander-Tool, Looney-Tool and DoubleTalking-Tool, I didn't blame that girlfriend one bit for screaming I'll cut your ass! at the therapy session.  I felt like screaming too.

For those of us who loved bad boys back in the day, this show will make you squirm, remembering what it was like to date a complete DOUCHE BAG and rejoice in the fact that you pulled your head out of your ass before it was too late.  New favorite quote: You can't turn a ho into a housewife~Daniel a.k.a. Glow Stick Tool

What are YOU watching this week?

xoxo, Liz