The Bachelorette: 5 Reasons Why These Dudes Can't Be Dads

Admittedly, I got up on my soapbox when it was officially announced that single mom Emily Maynard was going to be The Bachelorette. (I was not happy about it- I have issues with single moms and dads allowing their children to be on TV--remember when I called shame on you on Bachelor Jason Mesnick?)

Sure, Emily's cute and sweet and got her heart broken by over-therapized yet completely unchanged commitment phobe and very angry Brad Womack, but does she really think she can find a dad for her daughter, Ricky, in just a few weeks? Or maybe the better question is, does she really think these dudes actually can or want to be dads? (With the exception of the two single dads on the show, I think the answer is no. (Even though a couple of them might actually think they do.)

Last night, Jennifer Weiner tweeted it best, Drink every time a guy says he's "ready to be a father." Drink twice if you think he's lying! #bachelorette. And even Jason Biggs got in on the #Bachelorette Twitter action tweeting: I still don't know who half these guys are. And yet, they are on ‪#TheBachelorette‬ , so I know exactly who they are, really. (Side note: he also tweeted about Dolly Parton's camel toe. Gross but hilarious.)

So here, alas, are the five reasons why I say these dudes CANNOT be dads.

1. They think becoming a father to Emily's daughter is "a compromise."  Oy vey. At least Alessandro got kicked off for this ignorant remark (Oh, and turns out if you watched the credits, he admitted to Emily's BFF's that he cheated on a past girlfriend). I guess there is a reality TV show God afterall.

2. They think an egg and a child are the same thing. Yes, Travis, your ostrich egg that you named "Shelly" is the same thing as having a child! Bringing him (or her?) on The Bachelorette proves you can be a father just about as much as one of those crying dolls dissuades teens from having unprotected sex and getting pregnant! But Poor Shelly didn't get a rose (even though his/her "dad" did)...Emily smashed him into itty bitty pieces Humpty Dumpty style. If you ask me, every Bachelorette episode should have an #eggmurder.

3. Instead of playing with kids, they tell Emily not to get fat. Emily The producers brought a boat load of kids to a park to see how the guys would react. Er, dudes, this is your chance to show you like kids?! But instead of pushing them on the swings or sliding with them on the slides like the guys that are actually trying to play the game, gym owner, Ryan,  (who has really. bad. hair. btw) finds Emily and her BFF's and when the conversation turns to weight gain, says it won't be okay with him if Emily gains weight after marriage and something along the lines of, "she'll be loved, but not loved on." Weirdly, her friends seem to have NO reaction to this? (I think any of mine would've kicked him in his unloved parts!) And even worse? Although Emily admits she didn't like that he said that, she still gives him a rose... *sigh*

4. Kids will interrupt you! Kalon (the tall weirdo dude with the glasses) in the course of telling Emily how he always thought his first child would be HIS OWN, scolds her when she interrupts him. He says,"I love it when you talk, but you need to stop interrupting me." Ouch. So, she slaps him, then kicks him off the show, right? WRONG. Although she acknowledges his remark- to camera- not to him- "I like tall, cute and funny, not tall cute and condescending," he still got a rose...I'd hate to see what happens when Emily's sweet daughter interrupts him. Major red flag, Emily.

5. Private concerts, love songs and Dolly Parton will not be the norm. So far, Emily has made a guy help bake cookies for her daughter's soccer game and play with a group of sugar-infused kids. The dudes even had to pass her "BFF test." But how much "real world" experience are these guys getting? And how is Emily really going to know if these guys can swing this fatherhood thing? It's easy to melt into the moment at a private concert when Dolly Parton (and her camel toe) are singing a love song to you, but let's get real here, dudes. It's going to take a lot more than dancing to Dolly to make you a dad.

xoxo,

Lisa

The Bachelor: Why do men go crazy for crazy?

Happy Valentine's Day, y'all! Not big on the holiday, the hubs (yes, I lured him back!) and I "celebrated" by snuggling up on the couch with a bottle of wine and making fun of watching The Bachelor. Before you read this post, you must check out this hilarious video of The Bachelor's Courtney Robertson getting auto-tuned.  It will make your (Valentine's) Day! (Look for Ben popping up throughout- his head superimposed on different bodies.)

So it's out with the stable-ish PhD student, in with crazy model.

After last night's episode of The Bachelor when Ben (who throughout the show was clad in some of the FUGLIEST tank tops ever made which I thought would have prompted at least one girl to say, I'm outta here) said no rose for you to Emily and Rachel, but kept crazy Courtney who he says he feels "very connected to", I was left to wonder...

why do men always fall for the effing crazies?

We can't forget Michelle whose nickname very quickly became crazy Michelle from Brad Womack's season. She was finally rejected, but I don't think crazy Courtney will suffer the same fate. SPOILER ALERT: Reality Steve claims she and Ben are engaged. *cue shock and surprise*

So why doesn't Ben see any RED FLAGS with Courtney? On their one-on-one date high atop a Mayan temple, Courtney said she had issues with Ben giving Emily a one-on-one because, "Emily had said some nasty things to Courtney." With a glass of wine in hand (I'll be shocked when I see her without vino), she told Ben with a crazy look in her eyes that had she not received a one-one-one date from him she wouldn't have accepted a rose (BULLSH*T) and that she'd "lost the spark, babe" only to regain it five minutes later (?!) as they climbed the stone staircase hand in hand, Ben not looking the least bit concerned (!?) about what he'd just heard, and Courtney, in her voice over, professing with every stair she climbed she was leaving her hurt feelings behind.

Ben also saw no RED FLAGS when the girls in the house warned him against Courtney- yet again- referring to her as a black widow in a bikini.

WTF?

So I asked the hubs why do men go crazy for crazy. He very plainly said, men think crazies are better in bed.

So thaaaat's it.

And y'all know that when Courtney took Ben in the ocean for a little skinny dipping, that can't be all that went down out there.

It's just so disappointing because he also has Nicki who's nice, Kacie B. who's just so darn cute and Lindzi who's pretty, smart and well, rode in on a horse!...but apparently not crazy enough for Benjamin. SPOILER ALERT: I read that Lindzi's one of the final two. (Poor thing.)

I have to wonder if our little long-haired wine maker is watching these shows as they air--suddenly becoming privy to everything the ladies tried to warn him about--and saying WTF did I get myself into with Courtney? Probably not. Apparently not only does he look for crazy, but also another really appealing quality. Back on top of that Mayan temple, he told Courtney that he also wants someone who's a little bit weird.

But at the end of the day, in all fairness to our crazy mean girl model, I guess we all have a little bit of crazy in us. After all, not only am I still watching this crazy show, but I'm writing about it!

Happy Valentine's Day, ladies!

xoxo,

Lisa

5 (More) reasons I still watch The Bachelor

 "On a scale of one to 10, I feel like I'm gonna throw up."

Ah, it's highly intelligent statements like this one (among many other reasons coming up in a minute) that keep me watching The Bachelor every week. This is my personal favorite from last night. Spoken by Jaclyn who was upset over the possibility of the cocktail-party-crashing mystery guest getting a rose...

Confession:  Bachelor Ben Flajnik is starting to grow on me just a wee bit. He still needs an effing haircut like nobody's bidness (could his sister not point that out to him???), but there's something about him. He seems, dare I suggest, normal? Well, normal by reality show standards anyway. (And we have to admit he looked pretty good skiing with his shirt off... and did you see the part where he played the piano? *swoon*)

Or perhaps I'm no better than any of the women on the show- I'm simply caught up in the moment, the rose on the table staring me down- making me believe that he. Is. The. One.

But regardless of how I feel about Bachelor Ben, let's face it- he's not what makes The Bachelor a Monday night must-watch- it's the catty, backstabbing, tight (and bad- does anyone else agree?) dress wearing, crying, idiotic statement spewing women who have us pulling up a couch cushion each week.

And as I watched last night, I found myself giddy with excitement yet again. Even though I've seen it all before- even though it's the same Bachelor just a different name. Even though it's the same cocktail party showdowns and tearful exits. Even though it's a total formula-  It never gets old. And I decided that because five reasons I still watch The Bachelor just weren't enough, here are five more. (PS: Be sure to leave a comment about why you watch- or why you don't- and be entered to win a copy of FLY AWAY HOME by fellow Bachelor watcher, Jennifer Weiner. We'll randomly select the winner after 6p.m. PST on Sunday, Jan 22. )

1. The crazy declarations

If we conquer our fear of heights together, we can do anything! (Said by Ben after he climbs the San Francisco Bay bridge with his date, Emily.) Who cares that they've only known each other for two and a half minutes? They've climbed up to a really high place together so they can survive marriage! WTF?

When I walk through the door tonight, I'm going to fall in love with Ben quickly.  These girls are going to hate me but I'm willing to take the risk because he's (Ben's) someone I want to be with for the rest of my life. Spoken by a mystery guest who crashes the cocktail party. Oh and BTW, she doesn't know Ben at all. See #2

2. The (uninvited) mystery guest

I love the drama as the mystery guest is slowly revealed. The hands on the steering wheel. The voice mail left for Chris (Harrison). The legs getting out of the car. The reaction of the girls when she enters the cocktail party. WHO. THE. *#&%. IS. THAT. GIRL? Well, last night it was Shawntel (or whatsherbutt as model, Courtney, so affectionately called her). You remember funeral director Shawntel from Brad's season? Well poor Shawntel's crazy declaration didn't prove true- she didn't get the rose or the love. (And let's face it, had she stayed, the girls would've likely killed her or at the very least beaten her to a freakin' pulp.) But what she did get were a lot of fun comments like:  she's uglier in person and her thighs are thicker than mine (spoken by the SAME girl). The guys she dates go on dates where she draws people's blood.  We don't re-use Brad's dumpster trash And my personal favorite: She rode in here on her high Hearse *cue cymbal*

3. The dates

Scaling the San Francisco Bay Bridge, a private concert by Matt Nathanson, a piano duet. And that was just one date with one girl- Emily. Oh, to be a reality show contestant... *Swoon* To fall in love to the glow of the camera lights. To make out with six producers watching you. To go on one unrealistic date after the next making your expectations so high that it will be virtually impossible to succeed in love in the real world. Wait, maybe I'm wrong. Apparently if you do a death defying stunt together, you'll have no issues living under the same roof, sharing money or raising kids! (See #1). Plus, on what other show can you watch women skiing the streets of San Francisco in their bikinis?

4. Chris Harrison

Gotta love the man. He's got the greatest gig in TV.  He probably makes a sh*t load of money and he's only on the air for about five minutes each week. Although last night he actually got about six minutes because he greeted the mystery guest (told her to freshen up?! See #5) and had to come out a second time to establish that Ben was about to give out the final rose of the evening. (Erika went down hard like a sack of potatoes temporarily halting the rose ceremony.)

5. Jennifer Weiner's live tweets

As if we didn't already love this New York Times bestselling novelist enough for writing fabulous book after fabulous book (can't wait for her upcoming release, The Next Best Thing) she also live tweets The Bachelor! @Jenniferweiner And she's hilarious. (Trust me, her tweets alone are reason enough to watch the show.) Some of my favorites:

She's got thicker thighs than me. She's uglier in person. Wow. Did the meanest girl get a free spray tan? #thebachelor

Hmph. Ben declines to hand out the final rose. Jaclyn's crying like she lost a limb. Or an implant. Something important. #thebachelor

When I'm in charge of everything, The Bachelor will be on every night

And one reason I might have to stop watching...

The tonsil hockey

WTF? Really Ben? I don't know about you, but it wouldn't be a turn on if Ben told me I was the best kisser in the house. Then kissed me again and told me it was still true. Aren't we missing something here? This means he's sticking his tongue down a lot of throats. #gagmewithaspoon

xoxo,

Lisa

5 Reasons I still watch The Bachelor

Dear, The Bachelor, I hope this isn't too forward. But I f*cking love the sh*t out of you. To clarify, I don't mean you, the bachelor, as in Brad (gag) or Jake (double gag) or even Ben (you should cut your shaggy mop, but you are growing on me.)- but the show. The glorious cat-fights, the endless streams of tears, the ridiculous stunts, the bad (make that really bad) prom dresses and that's just the premier episode.

I'm addicted.

The rejected Bachelors and Bachelorettes are obviously addicted too- many now coming back for a second beating more after having their hearts broken on national TV. Like our latest, Ben Flanjik.

And c'mon, admit it, you're just a little bit addicted too... (I see your comments on Facebook and Twitter!)

Who cares that I'm pushing forty. That I had to wait until the kids went to bed to watch because the content of the show is just that wrong. That I sat by myself with a large glass of wine rubbing my hands together maniacally waiting for the opening credits to start. That my husband has even thrown in the towel after many seasons of (not so) secretly watching by my side. (Brad and his therapist did him in.) I'll always be a loyal fan. I'll always watch you.

Here are the five reasons why I'll never stop...

1. The drama. Omg. It never ceases to amaze. Do these women not watch the previous seasons? Do they not get that drama is not the answer to securing a rose and landing the bachelor? All I have to say is thank gawd they don't.  And thank gawd for the free-flowing alcohol that the show provides them.

2. The crazies. I know she's technically one of my own, but the blogger. Jenna. OMG. She brings hot mess to a whole new level getting into an argument with another woman and saying the seven words I was quite certain I'd NEVER  hear in my life: Maybe. We. Can. Share. A. Tampon. Sometime.

WTF? (I think I'll be asking that a lot this season!)

And in the most dramatic rose ceremony ever, (I'm sure Chris Harrison would agree as, isn't every rose ceremony the most dramatic?) she pries herself off the bathroom floor where she was crying hysterically about not following her own advice that she blogs about- and gets a rose. But of course she does. She only adds to the dramz. See #1.

3. The unexpected. The horse! The bacon! The grandma! And that was just last night.

Lindzi rides in on a horse and secures the first impression rose. And of course prompts one of the women (the model- who looks like she's going to be CRAZY this season) to say,  f*ck her and the horse she rode in on.

Amber B. (a.k.a. Amber Bacon) offers Ben a taste! (No one likes bacon that much. No one.)

And Brittney brings her sweet, 72-year-old grandmother who raised her. (A brilliant play, btw!)  And who, even though she is SEVENTY TWO, is apparently not safe from bashing (is nothing sacred?). The catty women can't hold back even for a little old lady- talking shit on grams and her wrinkly skin. Two words: Eff. Them.

4. The wine. Oh this part is all about me even though two Bachelors have been in the wine biz- Andrew Firestone and now, Ben Flanjik. I'm referring to what goes on in my own living room as I watch. A nice deep pour from a nice bottle of red just makes it all even more delicious. Oh, and it doesn't hurt that the women seem to drink a sh*t load of it too.

5. The love. What can I say? I'm a hopeless romantic. And they do fall- so madly and deeply-as they hold each other tight in their bathing suits (or as this season's promo promises, in their birthday suits). And I am rooting for them- all of them. Even the ones that gross me out like the high-waisted pants wearing CRAZY pilot Jake. Because there's someone for everyone. Right, Vienna?

And before I go, here's the woman who would've gotten the first impression rose from me last night (because I can't totally bash everyone and everything!): Kacie B.  (What can I say, I'm a sucker for a southern accent!)

Here's to another delicious season! I'll be toasting next week's episode with a bottle of wine from Ben's Evolve Winery.

xoxo,

Lisa

Shame on You, Bachelor! By Lisa

Jason, Jason, Jason... Or should I just call you Douche Bag?

WTF? Really? Follow your heart... no regrets...my ass!

I'm not sure why, but I expected more from you. Sure, you're a reality TV contestant in a contest to find love on a completely unrealistic show where the number one way of getting to know each other is through the sport of hot tubbing, but still, I expected more. From. You.

Now don't get me wrong, I heart the Bachelor (the show, not you). I love the psychoness of the chicks as they get kicked off . I enjoy watching the cattiness of the girls as they fight with each other while also fighting for the Bachelor's love. But if you ask me, the women are just insecure and competitive and don't really want the Bachelor as much as they want to win or be won.

But I love it all. Even the hottubbing. Especially when the Bachelor is hot and as much as I'm annoyed with you, seeing you with your shirt off wasn't the worst thing that's ever happened to me.  But what I didn't love about you, Jason Mesnick, was that you became a Douche with a capital "D".

I felt for you when DeAnna broke your heart, I really did. I thought you seemed genuine and legit. So when I heard you were the next  Bachelor, I was happy for you. I knew you'd have your pick of "25 ladies" who would find you cute and sweet, just like I did.

But then the show started and you just couldn't stop crying. Dude, is it really that sad to say good bye to a girl you've known for five minutes? WTF with all the waterworks?

And then the kissing that went on? It seemed like you never knew what to say back to every poor girl professing her love so your answer was to kiss her? It became incredibly annoying, but still manageable and certainly not cause to stop watching. I'm proud to say that in all the seasons of the Bachelor, I've never thrown in the towel... even when guys almost Douchey-er than you were the Bachelor (and there were a couple).

And anyway, you didn't fully turn me off until "The Bachelor: After the Final Rose.

I'd seen the promos for the Most dramatic Bachelor ending ever and there you were, crying again... on that balcony. I thought WTF happened now, did he slice his finger on a thorn?

Even after I'd heard on Reality Steve that you were going to dump Melissa and go for Molly and that you knew it all along, (Jury's still out on that BTW because I can't believe that even you'd be that gross- Although now after possible emails between you and Melissa have been uncovered by Access Hollywood, you seem to be anything but accountable--Bachelor Emails), I watched the show anyway. Because I'm a romantic who's had her heart broken many times. Plus, I hoped that the rumors weren't true. Even though my preference was Molly all along. I prayed that you wouldn't break Melissa's heart--especially after what happened to you.

But you did. And not only did you rip her heart out, but you did it on national television. Sure, there wasn't an audience in an effort to "keep it as intimate as possible", as Chris Harrison said, but it was still in front of millions of people. And it was just gross dude. The way you did it, what you said, everything. And yes, I'm totally judging you. Because. I. Can. You put yourself on TV so you are opening yourself up to it, plain and simple.

And for the record, Melissa, you handled yourself with dignity (even when you were told there was a limo waiting outside *gag*) and when you called him a bastard, I sort of did a little cheer for you on my couch. Good call on not appearing on The Bachelor: After the Final Rose, Part 2 and putting yourself through further humiliation. I have no doubt you were asked, begged probably.

So last night, I watched The Bachelor: After the Final Rose, Part 2. And you and Molly, after six weeks, say you're still madly in love. Good for you. Because everyone deserves someone. And if Molly can fall for a Douche, more power to her. And I know you both said that it's been hard because you've been judged (Molly too) for how you acted. But the truth is, we don't know the real story and we may never. I just cross my fingers that you didn't plan to do what you did to Melissa (as the rumors claim) and that you don't do it again to Molly (if simply for the reason that three versions of a proposal in one year would just be wrong, sorry).

There's one more thing I really want to say to you but I won't- believe it or not, I can bite my tongue. Because as judgmental as I feel and as fired up as I am, I'm not going to go there. I think you're douchey enough already without me pointing out another thing that I didn't like. I'll simply say this, I hope you can now focus on your family when the cameras aren't rolling.

PS: You kept the big-toothed, dental hygienist, stalker around for longer than the first rose ceremony why again? Actually, don't answer that because I really don't care.