The Bachelorette: 5 Reasons Why These Dudes Can't Be Dads

Admittedly, I got up on my soapbox when it was officially announced that single mom Emily Maynard was going to be The Bachelorette. (I was not happy about it- I have issues with single moms and dads allowing their children to be on TV--remember when I called shame on you on Bachelor Jason Mesnick?)

Sure, Emily's cute and sweet and got her heart broken by over-therapized yet completely unchanged commitment phobe and very angry Brad Womack, but does she really think she can find a dad for her daughter, Ricky, in just a few weeks? Or maybe the better question is, does she really think these dudes actually can or want to be dads? (With the exception of the two single dads on the show, I think the answer is no. (Even though a couple of them might actually think they do.)

Last night, Jennifer Weiner tweeted it best, Drink every time a guy says he's "ready to be a father." Drink twice if you think he's lying! #bachelorette. And even Jason Biggs got in on the #Bachelorette Twitter action tweeting: I still don't know who half these guys are. And yet, they are on ‪#TheBachelorette‬ , so I know exactly who they are, really. (Side note: he also tweeted about Dolly Parton's camel toe. Gross but hilarious.)

So here, alas, are the five reasons why I say these dudes CANNOT be dads.

1. They think becoming a father to Emily's daughter is "a compromise."  Oy vey. At least Alessandro got kicked off for this ignorant remark (Oh, and turns out if you watched the credits, he admitted to Emily's BFF's that he cheated on a past girlfriend). I guess there is a reality TV show God afterall.

2. They think an egg and a child are the same thing. Yes, Travis, your ostrich egg that you named "Shelly" is the same thing as having a child! Bringing him (or her?) on The Bachelorette proves you can be a father just about as much as one of those crying dolls dissuades teens from having unprotected sex and getting pregnant! But Poor Shelly didn't get a rose (even though his/her "dad" did)...Emily smashed him into itty bitty pieces Humpty Dumpty style. If you ask me, every Bachelorette episode should have an #eggmurder.

3. Instead of playing with kids, they tell Emily not to get fat. Emily The producers brought a boat load of kids to a park to see how the guys would react. Er, dudes, this is your chance to show you like kids?! But instead of pushing them on the swings or sliding with them on the slides like the guys that are actually trying to play the game, gym owner, Ryan,  (who has really. bad. hair. btw) finds Emily and her BFF's and when the conversation turns to weight gain, says it won't be okay with him if Emily gains weight after marriage and something along the lines of, "she'll be loved, but not loved on." Weirdly, her friends seem to have NO reaction to this? (I think any of mine would've kicked him in his unloved parts!) And even worse? Although Emily admits she didn't like that he said that, she still gives him a rose... *sigh*

4. Kids will interrupt you! Kalon (the tall weirdo dude with the glasses) in the course of telling Emily how he always thought his first child would be HIS OWN, scolds her when she interrupts him. He says,"I love it when you talk, but you need to stop interrupting me." Ouch. So, she slaps him, then kicks him off the show, right? WRONG. Although she acknowledges his remark- to camera- not to him- "I like tall, cute and funny, not tall cute and condescending," he still got a rose...I'd hate to see what happens when Emily's sweet daughter interrupts him. Major red flag, Emily.

5. Private concerts, love songs and Dolly Parton will not be the norm. So far, Emily has made a guy help bake cookies for her daughter's soccer game and play with a group of sugar-infused kids. The dudes even had to pass her "BFF test." But how much "real world" experience are these guys getting? And how is Emily really going to know if these guys can swing this fatherhood thing? It's easy to melt into the moment at a private concert when Dolly Parton (and her camel toe) are singing a love song to you, but let's get real here, dudes. It's going to take a lot more than dancing to Dolly to make you a dad.

xoxo,

Lisa

5 Reasons I still watch The Bachelor

Dear, The Bachelor, I hope this isn't too forward. But I f*cking love the sh*t out of you. To clarify, I don't mean you, the bachelor, as in Brad (gag) or Jake (double gag) or even Ben (you should cut your shaggy mop, but you are growing on me.)- but the show. The glorious cat-fights, the endless streams of tears, the ridiculous stunts, the bad (make that really bad) prom dresses and that's just the premier episode.

I'm addicted.

The rejected Bachelors and Bachelorettes are obviously addicted too- many now coming back for a second beating more after having their hearts broken on national TV. Like our latest, Ben Flanjik.

And c'mon, admit it, you're just a little bit addicted too... (I see your comments on Facebook and Twitter!)

Who cares that I'm pushing forty. That I had to wait until the kids went to bed to watch because the content of the show is just that wrong. That I sat by myself with a large glass of wine rubbing my hands together maniacally waiting for the opening credits to start. That my husband has even thrown in the towel after many seasons of (not so) secretly watching by my side. (Brad and his therapist did him in.) I'll always be a loyal fan. I'll always watch you.

Here are the five reasons why I'll never stop...

1. The drama. Omg. It never ceases to amaze. Do these women not watch the previous seasons? Do they not get that drama is not the answer to securing a rose and landing the bachelor? All I have to say is thank gawd they don't.  And thank gawd for the free-flowing alcohol that the show provides them.

2. The crazies. I know she's technically one of my own, but the blogger. Jenna. OMG. She brings hot mess to a whole new level getting into an argument with another woman and saying the seven words I was quite certain I'd NEVER  hear in my life: Maybe. We. Can. Share. A. Tampon. Sometime.

WTF? (I think I'll be asking that a lot this season!)

And in the most dramatic rose ceremony ever, (I'm sure Chris Harrison would agree as, isn't every rose ceremony the most dramatic?) she pries herself off the bathroom floor where she was crying hysterically about not following her own advice that she blogs about- and gets a rose. But of course she does. She only adds to the dramz. See #1.

3. The unexpected. The horse! The bacon! The grandma! And that was just last night.

Lindzi rides in on a horse and secures the first impression rose. And of course prompts one of the women (the model- who looks like she's going to be CRAZY this season) to say,  f*ck her and the horse she rode in on.

Amber B. (a.k.a. Amber Bacon) offers Ben a taste! (No one likes bacon that much. No one.)

And Brittney brings her sweet, 72-year-old grandmother who raised her. (A brilliant play, btw!)  And who, even though she is SEVENTY TWO, is apparently not safe from bashing (is nothing sacred?). The catty women can't hold back even for a little old lady- talking shit on grams and her wrinkly skin. Two words: Eff. Them.

4. The wine. Oh this part is all about me even though two Bachelors have been in the wine biz- Andrew Firestone and now, Ben Flanjik. I'm referring to what goes on in my own living room as I watch. A nice deep pour from a nice bottle of red just makes it all even more delicious. Oh, and it doesn't hurt that the women seem to drink a sh*t load of it too.

5. The love. What can I say? I'm a hopeless romantic. And they do fall- so madly and deeply-as they hold each other tight in their bathing suits (or as this season's promo promises, in their birthday suits). And I am rooting for them- all of them. Even the ones that gross me out like the high-waisted pants wearing CRAZY pilot Jake. Because there's someone for everyone. Right, Vienna?

And before I go, here's the woman who would've gotten the first impression rose from me last night (because I can't totally bash everyone and everything!): Kacie B.  (What can I say, I'm a sucker for a southern accent!)

Here's to another delicious season! I'll be toasting next week's episode with a bottle of wine from Ben's Evolve Winery.

xoxo,

Lisa

Time Zone Trauma by Liz

As you most of you know, Lisa and I have been, well, inseparable since we met our freshman year of high school. (What can I say?  I knew anyone that could pull off red eyeglasses and an LA Gear jean jacket would make a good partner in crime!) And with few exceptions, we've stuck by each others side for the past, *gulp* TWENTY THREE YEARS. And since that fateful day in 1989, we've been like peanut butter and jelly.  Milk and cookies.  Or Grey Goose and olive juice!

So we totally get it when people are a little freaked out by the parallel lives we've been leading since then.  It's even baffled us at some point or another.  Maybe because:

• We went to college together and lived in same house for years without killing each other! (but just barely, there was an incident involving hand-bending and The Fugitive movie...)

• We joined the same sorority. (how else could we have scored our fake IDs?)

• We had the same major AND took all our classes together even after most teachers started calling us BOTH Lisa! (cue my junior year identity crisis...)

• We have parents that STILL live a mile from each other in San Diego.(My mom is her dad's real estate agent! Does it get any more incestuous than that?)

• AND, back in the day, we *coincidentally* both dumped our good-for-nothing boyfriends the same week. (Because, of course, we both used to love dating jackasses!)

But that all ended last July when Lisa left me to be with her super fabulous fiance.  And although we didn't actually SEE each other very much when we lived five miles apart(Lisa was always working and Liz was drowning in dirty diapers), it was nice to know that happy hour with her was just a phone call away. (Or an email-in those days her blackberry was permanently glued to her hand.)  Now even trying to talk shit about The Real Housewives of New Jersey requires a major calendar synchronization!

So it's been a tough transition for us.  Because not only are we friends, but we're co-authors and business partners too.  And with Lisa waking up a two hours earlier than me each morning, that leaves a whole lot of emails that I'm opening sans caffienation.

Got an early morning workout in Chicago? I really want to hear about your new yoga class, I really do. But you do realize it's f*cking 4am here, right?

Just can't wait to Facebook about who gets the final rose each Monday night? Hey beyotch!  It's bad enough that PSTers can't even log on to Twitter for fear of spoilers. Now you're doing it too?  Is this because we enjoy sun all year round?

So yes, communicating properly has become a whole lot harder since Lisa headed down Route 66 on her way to her new life.  But the bright spot?  We actually talk live a lot more then we used to when she lived here.  And absence really does make the heart grow fonder-I think I may have actually written "Love you!" on a text the other day (a gesture which very clearly breaks our robot friendship bylaws).

But like any great friendship, we'll make our differences(time differences, that is...) work until we can get in the same time zone once again. And the moral to this story?  Call up your BFF and ask her to meet you for a glass of wine this week.  you never know where life will lead you-take time to enjoy your friendship today!

Watch This, Not That: Summer Edition by Liz

Summer's finally here and I'm looking forward to all the things that come along with it. Like beach bonfires, BBQs and...all kinds of TV shows that weren't good enough for the regular season! Remember back in the day when the only thing on in the summer were reruns of all your favorite shows?  But then the powers that be realized that viewers were so desperate for fresh programming in July that they'd watch just about anything!  And so the summer season was born...

I'll admit that I've grown rather fond of many summer substandard shows. (Um, is this where I admit that I'm a closet Big Brother fan?)  And I always cheer just a little bit when one of my summer crushes graduates to the bigtime, aka the fall season schedule. (Bravo SYTYCD and Dancing with the Stars!)

And this summer is no exception with it's choices of gluttonous reality TV.  And lucky for you, I'm here to navigate y'all through what's trashy in a good way to what's just trash.

WATCH THIS!

Losing it with Jillian I ran into this show by accident last week and thought I couldn't stand the thought of one more minute of Jillian's workouts, which usually consist of screaming and dramatic speeches about people healing from the inside.  But I was soon mesmerized by her heartfelt attempt to help an obese mom and dad lose weight in time for their daughter's wedding.  And I cried like a baby when Jillian gave her lameass, overly dramatic, camera too close to her face speech.  Against my better judgment, I'm season passing this one.

Wipeout What does it say about me that I LOVE LOVE LOVE to watch people eat sh*t on the big red balls?  I tried to tell myself that it was my crush on John Henson(dating all the way back to his days on Talk Soup) that kept me coming back for more.  But then I finally came to the realization that watching these people make asses out of themselves just makes me happy after a long day.  Don't judge.

NOT THAT!

The Bachelorette I've got to throw out the disclaimer that I actually watch this show religiously every week(so many facebook status opportunities! I can't control myself!) and have been a huge fan since the day Trista gave out her first rose. But this season can be, um, well, SLIGHTLY UNWATCHABLE at times. Between the wrestler, the James Spader wannabe and the questionable sexual orientation of the weatherman, I find myself rolling my eyes much more than usual. (And that's saying a lot people!)  And please someone tell me why we can't get through an episode without one of these guys crying a river.  It's making me want to take a torch and burn the rest of Ali's roses. (Or her hair extensions-WTF with those?)

True Beauty Another show that I'm beginning to have a love/hate relationship with.  Something about the horribly obnoxious and shallow contestants (who think their competing to be the "face of Las Vegas" but are really being judged on their inner beauty) is both repulsive and addicting at the same time.  But either way, I'm always wondering the same thing: Where the hell do they find these people? And I can never tell if it's my desperation to watch something new or actual humor that makes host Carson Kressly's quips funny.  Either way, I have a feeling that True Beauty will be gathering dust in my Tivo this summer.

Honorable NOT THAT mention: Minute to Win it is so incredibly lame that I refuse to write more than one sentence about it-you'll just have to trust me on this one.

What are YOU watching this summer?

xoxo, Liz

Bachelor, I can't quit you by Liz

The girl who preferred  the cameraman. That crazy bitch from Anaheim.

The hawt non-kissing nanny.

Bachelor, I can't quit you.

Since that faithful day back in March of 2002, The Bachelor had me at Will you accept this rose? Feminism be damned, I ate up every moment of this newest reality trainwreck.  And when Trista burst onto the scene in all her post-cheerleading glory, I was cheering at my TV screen as she and  sensitive firefighter Ryan (Does anyone else remember those pictures he used to draw for her?) tied the knot while dozens of helicopters circled their ceremony. And I think I might have been the only one that watched that lame ass special about their (incredibly boring!) bachelor and bachelorette parties.

I drooled over winemaker Andrew Firestone (still my all-time fave!)  and chuckled with funny guy turned kissing bandit Bob Guiney. I crossed my fingers that older bachelor Byron would choose one of the Cougars rather than one of the twenty-somethings brought in to create drama and even held my breath as  super boring Bachelorette Meredith gave her final rose to Ian. I was officially a Bachelor junkie.

However, my interest started to dwindle around season seven.  I wasn't quite sure if it was due to the recent birth of my first child or Charlie O'Connell's overall lameness. But either way, I fell off the wagon for a few years, leaving diehard fans like Lisa to fend for themselves on Mondays nights. (Sorry about that!)  I just couldn't sign off on that fake prince, the football player or the guy with the accent.  To my husband's delight, I declared I was done with The Bachelor forever.

But then came single dad and complete DOUCHEBAG Jason Mesnick.  I was drawn in all over again, fascinated why an attractive man with a young child would choose such a path to meet their soulmate. How in the world his ex could have ever signed off on such a thing. I was so pissed that I even put it on my official "If I Go-Go this is a No-No" list. But even in all my righteousness, I recognized damn good TV when I saw it.  And I think we can all agree that, for once, Chris Harrison wasn't exaggerating when he stated that it was going to be THE MOST DRAMATIC AFTER THE FINAL ROSE CEREMONY EVER.

So I was back. The next season, I found myself screaming at my TV every time Jillian gave hot two-timing asshole Wes a rose and stifling a giggle as Jake cried over the balcony in his high-waisted pants. It was too good not to blog about.

I'll be honest- I wasn't thrilled when I heard that the producers had chosen Jake, the previously mentioned high-waisted pants wearing crybaby.  I had been hoping for Reid, who I had harbored a secret crush on the previous season. So I was pleasantly surprised as Jake was introduced to all the new girls moving into what I like to now call "Crazytown".

But what surprised me the most wasn't the fact that they cast someone like Michelle from Anaheim, who seems clearly unbalanced, but that Jake wasn't the complete snoozefest I'd thought he'd be. It was what kept me coming back for more, despite that RIDICULOUS amount of flying puns during the first cocktail party.  And must we even bring up the "On the Wings of Love" flying montage? *Gag*

Despite that, he earned my respect (the term "respect" being used loosely here) by kicking that nut Michelle to the curb immediately after she demanded to kiss him and then deemed it unworthy when no tongue was involved. And I couldn't have been happier than when he called that Mary Poppins wannabe Elizabeth out on her cock-teasing and then sent her packing.

And as I anxiously await the knowledge of which two women will be shamed when their precious roses are thrown in the fire and to witness the next Ali/Vienna catfight, I realize that I've reached an all-new low in my reality TV watching. (Well, unless you count that Jersey Shore marathon when I was sick.)   But I don't care.  I'm proud to say you'll find me sitting in front of my television each Monday at 8pm.  You know you want to join me!

xoxo, Liz

Are you a Facebook Voyeur? By Liz

I ran into an old friend the other day at Starbucks. (Where else?)  I hadn't seen him in forever and was dying to know if he had stuck it out with his latest girlfriend or went back to serial dating. (Three words: Majuh. Commitment. Phobe.) But before I could get my scoop, he started asking about my very recent trip to Hawaii and my daughters's first day of school.

What?

Um, is this guy stalking me or something?  I mean, I was rockin' my new do'... but although it was short and sassy, it wasn't exactly stalker-worthy!

I was perplexed. But then, as he began to pellet me with questions about resorts, booze cruises and luaus, it came to me.

He was a Facebook voyeur! A social network Peeping Tom!

Now, let me just say for the record, that some of my favorite people are FB voyeurs.  They spend just as much time perusing status updates and profiles as you and I, they just don't feel the need to participate. Like me, you might even forget they are even ON Facebook until they reveal themselves the next time you see them by asking you about the caffeine or your Bachelorette addiction.  That's when you know you've got a Lookey Loo on you hands.

Fascinated by these Facebook rebels, I rang up some of my friends who fall in this category.  I just had to know why they won't even list what year they were born or give some of my sassy statuses a thumbs up. (It's just ONE click! Help a sista out here!)  I needed to see why all their wall posts go unanswered and all their fan page invitations are declined. Um, especially THIS ONE!

So now I'm ready to break it down for you.  To tell you why your second cousin never poked you back or why you'll never see pictures of their kids until you finally suck it up and attend that family reunion next summer.

THE MULTI- TASKER

Always on the run, the multi-tasker prefers to get their "booking" done via iPhone or Blackberry.  She really does want to know what you are making for dinner or how your son's soccer practice went, but actually commenting on it is a whole other story.  Basically this is the social network version of It's not you, it's me".

THE HIGH-BROWER

The High-Brower finally buckled under all the peer pressure and joined FB but wants you to know she's still too good for it.  That's why you'll never hear about her tropical vacation or find out whether she's planning on watching the new Melrose Place.  And the fact that she's traded Hemingway for Yoville?   She's planning on keeping it her dirty little secret.

THE "PRIVACY PLEASE" FRIEND

Unlike attention whores like myself, she's content with keeping her networks, political views and Farmville scores a secret. But I find myself  wondering which five cities she's lived in and what her Saved By The Bell quiz results were. (Lisa Turtle, in case you were wondering...) And btw, this is also the same person who has 25 friends because she only wants to "friend" people she's actually "friends" with. Um, I didn't even know that was an option. What a concept!

THE FUGITIVE

Why are you on Facebook if you are trying to HIDE? I can understand an occasional block of a crazy ex-boyfriend or that over-zealous PTA mom, but to lurk around in cyberspace while no one can see you is creepy.  And was high school so bad you won't even put your graduating year?  Come on! Even I got over my huge hair and penchant for spandex pants. Show yourself already!

Xoxo, Liz

(Inanimate) Object of My Affection (part 2) By Liz & Lisa

We wrote about this topic just a couple of months ago...but already, so many new electronic devices have come into our lives. And we've fallen so hard for these objects! The way they blend a smoothie "stirs" something deep within and the speed in which they access the Internet makes us dizzy ...with lust!  Or even the way they so effortlessly make the most perfect cup of coffee really gets the heart racin' in more ways than one *wink* *wink*. And although our affections are all in fun, there's a term for people that, um, really want to be much more than friends with things like Big Ben (get your mind out of the gutter-we're talking about the famous clock!) or the world's largest catsup bottle. They suffer from a condition called objectum sexuality. So no need to worry--unless someday you find one of us dry humping the Eiffel Tower.

In the meantime, we're dying for you to meet our new battery-powered boyfriends, And even though we love them, the only action they're getting is some fast-fingered texting or a really hard cucumber to chop up.

LIZ'S ELECTRONIC ECSTASY

Hp Mini Notebook aka Webbie

Liz spends most of her day in the car. And as you can imagine, that makes it hard for a girl to keep up with her Internet addiction.  Her Facebook wall posts would go *gasp* hours before being addressed and she would completely miss Twitter's #Follow Friday.  And the fact that Lisa and Crystal (our fabulous and uber-talented publicist) email each other every five minutes wasn't helping. (Their banter! So witty! She was jealous!) And after a particularly busy day of postings, poking and reply alls, Liz determined her brokedown Palm Centro just wasn't cutting it anymore.

That's when she found Webbie.   And even though she normally preferred larger electronics, she found his small size and wireless aircard appealing. He was so cute!  And whenever she was out with him in public, people would always stop to ask about him.  Soon Liz found herself tweeting with abandon and bantering with Lisa and Crystal like she didn't have a care in the world!  Webbie even traveled with her to Cabo, although he strongly disapproved of her dalliance with Don Julio. Apparently, he thought her dizziness and dry heaving in the mornings cut into his time with her.  That Webbie has quite a jealous streak!

Which is why Liz found it odd that Palm Centro starting taking a turn for the worse when Webbie strolled into town.  Never the workhorse, Palm Centro had always been able to do at least the basics.  Now all of sudden he struggled to send a text and wanted to hot-sync in inappropriate places.  Then, one morning, he hot-synced himself to death, literally. RIP Palm Centro.

And was that a smile we saw on Webbie's screen?  Little did he know, the next phone in Liz's life would possibly render him obsolete.  And his name was...

Barry Blackberry

Liz had a bad attitude about Barry at first.  She didn't know if he'd be able to meet all her needs.  She needed a partner that could keep up with her (She just turned 35!  She's in her prime!) and wasn't sure he was up for the task.

But she soon discovered that Barry was everything she wanted in a man phone and more.  He was always there to let her know the very second an email came in.  And Facebook?  Barry Blackberry didn't want her to miss out on anything, even if it was that person who keeps inviting her to play Farmville (WTH is that, anyway?) or that crazy guy from high school that won't stop harassing his ex-wife in his status updates.

And Webbie?  Well, let's just say that he's been crunching more fantasy football stats than keeping up with his social networking these days.  Liz, always looking to trade up when it comes to her electronics, kicked him to the curb in favor of Barry.  Webbie started feeling heavy and bloated and she was getting everything she needed from B. (Her private nickname for him.)

But don't worry about Webbie!  Liz's husband Mike has been keeping that little guy company.  He's even renamed him "Webina".   And although that confuses him a bit, he's just happy to have someone's fingers keeping his keyboard warm every night.

LISA'S KITCHEN CRUSHES

Keurig Single Cup Coffee Brewing System aka Kirby

It's no secret that Lisa is a major caffeine junkie. If she doesn't get that jolt of energy within minutes of waking up, she can make a crackwhore look tame.  Just talk to anyone who's made the mistake of asking her difficult questions like, "How are you?" before she's had her java. (Like that poor UPS guy who unfortunately crossed her pre-caffeinated path--he never did deliver another package!)

For years, she's had a Starbucks addiction. Each morning, she'd order her Venti bold with sugar-free vanilla. The baristas knew her by name and her order by heart. And even when the economy went down the toilet, she vowed she'd cut "everything and anything" other than her daily grind. Well, until she met Kirby.

It was love at first cup. And within minutes of taking in his compact, yet strong exterior and watching as he filled her coffee cup with so little effort it felt like magic, Lisa was under his spell. Her new boyfriend, Kirby, just made everything so easy. Her heart skipped a beat as she simply put a "K" cup inside, pressed a button and *voila* coffee!  Gone were the days of manual labor like cleaning filters and grinding beans. And it was then she declared, "once you go single cup you never go back!"

And even though she's been cheating on Starbucks for weeks, she doesn't feel the least bit guilty about it. Especially since he wasn't there for her when she traveled route 66! (As if!) She's not saying she'll never go back to him, but she's no longer relying on him to solve her (caffeine) problems. That's fo show!

But Lisa is not quite sure how to break the news to Kirby that there's a new gadget in town...

The Magic Bullet, aka, The Bullet

Recently, Lisa saw something on TV that made her stop dead in her tracks on the treadmill. His name was The Magic Bullet and no, he's not that kind of device ladies. But he'll still turn you on with his many bells and whistles and his incredible (blending) technique.

Lisa bought him and brought him home that very day. She was so excited as she unpacked him and sized up his, er, parts. She was high with anticipation as she slowly filled him with ice,  fruit, milk and protein powder and watched her beloved bullet blend away. Twenty seconds later, she was drinking a delicious smoothie. And as soon as Lisa finished it, she was ready to go again!

She blended with abandon. Strawberry banana! Blueberry! Peanut butter! She grabbed his recipe book firmly and started planning all the beautiful things they'd make together. Guacamole! Salsa! Spaghetti sauce! The sky was going to be the limit with Lisa and The Bullet.

Or at least that's what she thought until...he COULDN'T GET IT UP!

It happened when she tried to make salsa and The Bullet's blade just wouldn't chop. She tried again, because maybe he just needed a little help...She pushed down on his lid and prayed he'd be able to make the onions look like they did in the picture. But unfortunately, the salsa just came out looking like soup with huge pieces of onion in it. Lisa was crushed that her boyfriend couldn't perform. She wondered if this is what Jillian felt like in the fantasy suite with Ed?

Lisa hasn't tried to make salsa since and has decided to stick to smoothies only. She doesn't want to upset The Bullet and she definitely doesn't want to find out that he won't be able to get his blade moving, yet again.

xoxo, Liz & Lisa

Top Five Reasons to Embrace Your Inner Cougar By Liz & Lisa

The coug gets a bad rap. So what if she's 40-ish (40 is sooo the new 21), bleached blonde and doing all she can to fight dear 'ol mother nature!  Who gives a flying botox needle if she prefers to prey on young, hot men with stamina for days? Last time we checked, doing the naughty with someone at the height of his sexual peak was a damn good thing. We're 35 and a year over 35 respectively (36 just sounds so, well, over 35) and although not technically ready to admit we're officially cougar card carrying members, we definitely have the #1 symptom of cougarism. Our eyes have started narrowing in on the *cough* younger men out there--many of whom could be our sons. (Well, in biblical times anyway.)

So, if you're on the fence, hopefully we can persuade you that "going young" really is the new black. Here are what we consider five excellent reasons to embrace your cougar within.

#5- The Bachelorette Ladies! This is like the cougar's version of the Animal Planet. From the comfort of your own couch, you can sit back with a bowl of Pirates Booty and watch them in captivity. Forget Jillian, it's all about her prospective suitors... the young pieces of man candy who, lucky for us, LOVE to run around shirtless and drunk (such a glorious combination!) Well for most of them anyway... We're ecstatic she finally dumped Tanner P., a.k.a. the tattle tailing, foot fetish, mango toe nail polish loving freak who's older than we like anyway (30!)  So, if you haven't already, hurry up and add this guilty pleasure to your Monday night Tivo line up! (Only 5 men left and two are under 27!)  ROAR! (PS: Be on the look out this Fall for Courtney Cox's new show, Cougar Town, which will hopefully offer some yummy cougar candy!)

#4-Gossip Girl- Chuck Bass (Ed Westwick), Nate Archibald (Chace Crawford) & Dan Humphrey (Penn Badgley) Don't think about the fact these three guys are playing high school boys because, in real life, they're all over 18! (But if it makes you feel any better, their characters all just graduated and are off to college! Woo hoo!)

Chuck Bass is the resident bad boy. But even better, he's the resident rich bad boy (those hundred dollar bills just seem to make him even cuter). He's definitely the one mom warned you not to go out with which makes it all the more fun to cougar crush on him now.

Nate Archibald is the boy next door and just so damn cute. But if GG just isn't your thing (as if!) or you don't have time to add it into your television line up (more likely!), this week, you can check out Chace Crawford on the cover of People Magazine's  Summer's Hottest Bachelor issue (can we say hot in black polo much?) And soon, you can see him starring in the Footloose remake! (He replaced Zac Efron who dropped out. Lisa's not at all sad about that because she plays for Team Chace. It's Liz who crushes on Zac. See #2.) Now, we hate to point out that Chace wasn't even born when the original Footloose was released. But before you get your Hanky Pankys all in a bunch, we'd like to assure you that he's now a very respectable cougar prey age of 22. So, we feel it will be completely acceptable to lust after him as he cuts loose in an abandoned warehouse.

Dan Humphrey is the perfect blend of Chuck and Nate (if you don't count the fact that he's Gossip Girl poor). He's a little bit o' bad (had an affair with a teacher!) and a whole lot o' good (looks out for his little sister, gets good grades, blah, blah) all rolled up into one very cute (although not so tall) package.  GG is in re-runs now, so it's a perfect time for you to get caught up on all the Upper East Side drama and decide which of the three guys is your favorite. Or if you're lookin' for new bait, there's a hottie comin' on board in season three!

#3- American Idol-Kris Allen We have to admit, it took awhile before we sniffed out this cougar bait.  At first we were distracted by Adam Lambert's guyliner and Danny Gokey's sweet ballads and sad back story.  But when Kris took the stage and belted out Kanye West's "Heartless", we melted like butter on a baked potato.  And we weren't the only ones who felt that way....we'd bet our Jimmy Choos that his surprising victory was due to a cougar population explosion!  Don't ever come between a coug and her speed dial people.

#2- Zac Efron There's a reason that Liz has seen HSM 2 more times than she'd like to admit.  And it has nothing to do with her four-year old's penchant for Sharpay's pink golf cart and everything to do with her coug crush on Zac Efron. She's had a thing for him since the minute she saw him take the floor in his Wildcats uniform and wasn't at all bothered by the fact that he barely even gave Gabriella more than a peck on the cheek the entire movie! (She likes to tell herself that he was just playing hard to get.) And maybe we shouldn't even mention the fact that the soundtrack has somehow landed in her iPod's top 25 playlist?  She's always had a thing for guys who could carry a tune...even if they played for the other team! *cough* Barry Manilow!

#1- Justin Timberlake (Honorary Cougar Prey) We were almost sad to discover that he's a bit, er, older than we thought. (When did he turn 28?!) But to us, he's still an 'N Sync'er with that curly hair (although the clippers were a very good call). So, he makes our cougar cut anyway, because, well, he's freakin' JT! Who knew back when he was singing "Bye, Bye, Bye" and dating Brit Brit that he'd  break out of the boy band box and into to the d**k in a box? We definitely want to be his Motherlover!

A couple of years ago, we had a live JT cougar sighting. There he was, in the lobby of Mandalay Bay! He was wearing jorts, but it didn't matter. He can wear, or even better, NOT wear, whatever he wants. After following him (for just a few, ok, 5 minutes), our eyes wide and our tongues hanging out of our mouths, we dragged our "of age" (and just as handsome- wink, wink) men to the ticket counter to see if we could score tickets to his concert that night. Fortunately for our guys, but unfortunately for us, only the cheap seats were left. So we opted to savor our in-person sighting because there aint nothin' cheap about our JT.

So, ladies, we say, reach within and unleash the coug! Let out your inner ROAR.  Or in our case, a DOUBLE ROAR!

xoxo Liz & Lisa

My Sweet Tweet

My name is Liz, and I'm a Tweetaholic. Yes, you heard that right.  I know, I was completely bitter with Twitter a mere three months ago but have recently crossed to the dark side.  I finally understand what that damn Jimmy Fallon was making all the fuss about.

It all started when I went to see my psychic. We were in the middle of dishing all the dirt on my near future when she stopped abruptly.

"Hmmm..." she said, scratching her head. "Something just came to me."

"What!  What is it!" My heart started to pound.  "Am I going to win the lottery?"

"No," she said, looking at me oddly. "What the hell is Twitter?"

"Twitter?" I questioned.  And inside I was thinking, really?  I'm paying $60 an hour and we're going to talk about f*cking tweets?   "It's not important," I said.  "It's just some lame ass social networking site!"

"Really?  Because I'm being told that Twitter will be very important in your journey.  Do you tweet?"

"What! Are you sure my angels aren't referring to Facebook? I like that much better."

"Nope!" she reaffirmed. "Definitely Twitter!"

Damn, Twitter has gotten so big that they even have the afterlife promoting it?  Crazy!  I really need to get the name of their PR agency.

But my psychic has never been wrong before so I went home and dusted off my Tweetdeck.   It was a bit rocky at first, I just couldn't get into my tweet groove.  But after a while, something odd began to happen...I began to...LOVE it!

And for my tweeps who are still hatin', I get it.  At first it seems so...pointless.  I questioned whether my followers really wanted to hear about my Starbucks addiction or my love for Nick Lachey. So I would sit, fingers poised at my keyboard, staring aimlessly at my Tweetdeck.  What interesting nugget could I reveal to my followers that hadn't already been beaten to death on Facebook? And to do it in 140 characters or less? Impossible!

I was suffering from tweet performance anxiety!

But I had big RT(that's retweet for you Twitter virgins) dreams so I let my fingers fly and held my breath as my tweets were heard around the world!(or in at least four mainland states...) I even got a little crazy and participated in Twitter's version of a high five, #Follow Friday.  Our followers were growing by the hour and I became obsessed.  Lisa, who was a once-a-day tweeter at best, had no idea of the love affair Twitter and I were now having.  She would occasionally comment on our spike in followers and I feigned ignorance.  I wanted to keep the tweet love all for myself!

BUT, after one really crazy Follow Friday a few weeks ago, I was outed as the Twitter whore I had become.  Lisa, whose nickname in college was PI Spice, had finally figured out that our followers were not just showing up out of thin air.  So she installed Tweetdeck and my secret tweet life was officially over!  She wanted in on the action too.   And, well, considering the our Twitter handle is Liz and Lisa, I guess I had to oblige.

I could barely go five minutes the next week without a twext(duh, that's a text about Twitter!) from Lisa.

WTF is an RT?

What does # mean?

How do I @ someone and WTF do I say when I do?

Who is Mr. Tweet and why should I give a sh*t about him?

Why are there ten "Horny Kittys" following us?

But after a week of tryin' out her tweets, Lisa was ready for the bigtime. She was ready to tweet live about #Bachelorette!  And let me just say, it's not for amateurs.  Ripe with potential shit talk, you've gotta be sassy to score a RT from this tough crowd.  And to be honest, I wasn't sure if she was up for it.

But lucky for her, there was plenty of dramz to shittweet about on this episode, especially when the Bachelorette went on her one-on-one date with hottie Sascha.

Things seemed to be going well with Sascha and Jillian.  They had hauled ass in a Ferrari and cuddled on the couch with champagne.  It was obvious he thought the rose sitting on the table would be pinned to his lapel by the end of the night.  But after he confessed to her that he had never had his heart broken,(Hello!  commitmentphobe alert!) she sent him on a horrible walk of shame that involved public transportation. It was UGLY!

And before I even I had a chance to add my two cents,  I saw something come across the Tweetdeck that made me LOL.  A real LOL!

#bachelorette You've never had your heart broken, so I'm going to humiliate you and send you off on a bus. ha!

It was RTed almost instantly! Lisa had officially arrived! Welcome Lisa!  This mama bird is happy you finally found your own inner tweet. *wipes a tear of joy from her eye*

Click here to follow Liz and Lisa on Twitter.  Come on, you know you want to!

xoxo Liz